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[quote] On 19-11-2002 13:30, Gothik wrote: Hope this does not offend any die hard Lord of the rings fans..but brightened up a foggy tuesday.. Lord of the rings Abridged version By Rod Hilton FADE IN: INT. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON'S HOME DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON sits, on the phone with a POWERFUL FILM EXECUTIVE. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON So, I was tossing this idea around. Maybe I should make films out of the Lord of the Rings tril-- RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS (breaking down the door) LORD OF THE RINGS?!?!?! Finally! A well-done, realistic, immersive film version of the best trilogy of overly long books ever! DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Well, I was just thinking abo-- RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS You know who would make an awesome Gandalf? Ian McKellen! DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Uh, yeah, well, that's a good idea, I gue- RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS Oh, I can't wait! I'm going to generate an ungodly amount of hype for this movie for the next few years! I'm sure you won't disappoint us! DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON gulps nervously. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (twitching) Wow, I feel a lot of pressure. How can I possibly create a film as good as any book in the wonderful Lord of the Rings trilogy? What am I going to do? DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON proceeds to sit down with the trilogy and translate each page into screenplay format, word by word. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (CONT'D) Yes! I will make the most loyal movie based on a book in the history of the cinema! Nobody will be able to say the book was better then! Ha ha ha! EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD Various computer-generated creatures face off. A NARRATOR explains the story from "The Hobbit" as a jaw dropping battle ensues on-screen. NARRATOR So, this dude, Sauron, made a big badass ring. He did some nasty shit with it, and then he got killed and this human took it. Then he did nasty shit, too. The ring made everyone an asshole and then Ian Holm got it. AUDIENCE Wow! They just summarized the entire first book in a matter of minutes, doing so with the help of an outstandingly impressive fight sequence. If the rest of the movie is like this, then this might just be the greatest epic adventure film ever created. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the point, and interesting. The rest of my movie is anything but that. Did you go to the bathroom yet? You probably should. EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him. IAN MCKELLEN I am old and sage! I bring a sense of dignity and elegance to all that I do, and I appear to be a master of all things intellectual. ELIJAH WOOD Actually, the most impressive thing you'll do is set off a bunch of fireworks. Then you get your ass kicked by a better wizard, fail to get us through a door because you're too stupid to solve an easy riddle, and then die. IAN MCKELLEN Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in "North", you putrid piece of shit. ELIJAH WOOD Dammit. IAN MCKELLEN So anyway, where's Ian Holm? I heard he's got the plot to this movie in his pocket somewhere. INT. IAN HOLM'S COMICALLY SMALL HOME IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects. IAN HOLM There you are, you sage old wizard! They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN'S PIPE. IAN HOLM (CONT'D) Ah, Ian, you truly have the finest weed in Middle Earth. IAN MCKELLEN Heh. Both of our names are Ian. IAN HOLM Holy shit! You're right! IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically. IAN HOLM (CONT'D) Dude! Every time I laugh, I think it's my lung trying to escape a little bit. Maybe that's what laughing is. Lungs use humor to trick us into letting them escape. Whoa. IAN MCKELLEN Holy shit dude, you're so foded up. IAN HOLM Oh, wanna see something cool? This will totally trip you out. IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible. IAN HOLM (CONT'D) (invisible) Whoa, where'd I go? Where'd I go? Ha ha! (removing the ring) Isn't that awesome? IAN MCKELLEN Ian! You stupid bastard! That's the Ring of Power, forged centuries ago by the evil Lord Sauron! It is the key to the greatest power in all the land! It is sought after by the most wicked of evil forces and as Sauron's spirit grows stronger, he comes closer to obtaining it and enslaving Middle Earth! IAN HOLM Shit. High killer, dude. Not cool. IAN MCKELLEN Give me the ring. Then go away and write your book. Elijah Wood and I will destroy it. IAN HOLM Elijah Wood? Wasn't he that little puke in "The Good Son"? IAN MCKELLEN That was Macaulay Culkin. IAN HOLM Wait, am I thinking of the wrong person? IAN MCKELLEN Elijah was the snot-nosed little twerp in the Flipper movie. IAN HOLM Oh, right, that foder. IAN MCKELLEN Yeah. I'm going to travel with him to the treacherous volcano Mount Doom. Once there, we will destroy this evil thing once and for good. IAN HOLM The ring? IAN MCKELLEN Elijah. But I'll make him wear the ring before I shove him in. IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters. ELIJAH WOOD Heya Ian! I just came by to see-- IAN MCKELLEN Elijah, you must take this ring. It is the Ring of Power, forged by the evil Lord Sauron long ago. Travel to a far away land with your cohorts. I will meet you there and we will venture to Mount Doom to destroy the ring. You must arrive safely - the fate of Middle Earth depends on your success. ELIJAH WOOD Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to play some Nintendo. IAN MCKELLEN There's no time, Elijah! I must go find Christopher Lee and seek his guidance. Good luck, the fate of all life rests in your small, hairy hands. ELIJAH WOOD I.. uh.. IAN MCKELLEN (bolting out the door) Don't fod up! ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face contorts to an expression of limitless fear. His eyes widen and his mouth gapes slightly open with shock and terror. This expression never leaves his face again - ever. SEAN ASTIN Hey Elijah, me and these other two interchangeable Hobbits want to go with you on your quest. ELIJAH WOOD Are you sure? I will be faced with much peril. SEAN ASTIN Jesus, look at this place. It's nothing but grass and plants. I ate a damn flower for breakfast today. It looks really pretty if you take it in small doses, but living here is some kind of hell. I need to get out of here, Elijah, my parents are driving me nuts and there is nothing to do. ELIJAH WOOD Alright, let's go! But only if you act so moronically that you not only nearly sabotage our mission repeatedly, but also drastically undermine the otherwise serious tone of the film. SEAN ASTIN It's a deal. And by the way, if you want to randomly start cheering "Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!" don't let me stop you. ELIJAH WOOD What? INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE'S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat. IAN MCKELLEN It's good seeing you again, Christopher Lee. I like what you've done with your hair, how do you keep it so tangle-free? CHRISTOPHER LEE Well, Ian, I condition when showering, brush it straight while still in the shower, and then condition again. The secret is in the second conditioning. IAN MCKELLEN Brilliant! See, this is why you're obviously the better wizard. CHRISTOPHER LEE Actually, it's funny you should say that, Ian. You see, I'm about to beat the living snot out of you. IAN MCKELLEN Come again? CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card. CHRISTOPHER LEE Ha! I summon Gaea's Skyfolk, a 2/2 with flying. IAN MCKELLEN Hmm. Okay, I'm going to cast a counterspell, which lets me also draw a card. Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu! I summon him. CHRISTOPHER LEE You can't do that, you can't summon until your turn, it's still my turn. IAN MCKELLEN No it's not! I just did the counterspell! CHRISTOPHER LEE That was an instant! God, now I remember why I hate playing with you! fod this! CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a BRAND NEW ASSHOLE. EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Isn't this great? Them walking around in this world... this completely different world...of New Zealand.. AUDIENCE Yeah, it's really pretty. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (bemused) It is... Minutes pass. AUDIENCE Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any time soon? DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Huh? Oh, right, action. How about some monsters? Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to become INVISIBLE. ELIJAH WOOD Ha! Bet you monsters didn't see that coming! Holy shit, does anyone have any 3D glasses, stuff looks really neat with this ring on. ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway. ELIJAH WOOD (CONT'D) Gark! VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH'S ATTACKERS. VIGGO MORTENSEN Elijah, are you all right? You must survive! You are the only one who can carry the ring! All others would be tempted to wear it for personal gain! ELIJAH WOOD Didn't I just put it on to save my own ass? VIGGO MORTENSEN Yes, but then you got stabbed anyway. See, if any of us were corrupted by the ring, we'd be intelligent enough to use it for our own advantage. Hobbits, on the other hand, are bumbling morons. Frankly I'm more concerned with you dropping it or losing it than I am with the thought that you might use it for power. ELIJAH WOOD Oh. Well, I think I'm dying. Is that bad? VIGGO MORTENSEN The only thing that can save you now is an awkward cameo by Liv Tyler. LIV TYLER I am one of the only females in the film. I somehow manage to have absolutely no depth at all. But I'm pretty, which is what chicks are supposed to be in this sort of thing. Please notice how softened my appearance is, because I am female, you see. She looks PRETTY. ELIJAH WOOD So, um, about me dying... LIV TYLER Oh, right. I will take you backstage at an Aerosmith concert, where your wounds shall be healed. EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to IAN MCKELLEN, who escaped somehow. Something about a bird. HUGO WEAVING We must destroy the ring, Ian. IAN MCKELLEN Yeah, I was going to go to Mount Doom with Elijah Wood and do that. HUGO WEAVING Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from "Deep Impact"? IAN MCKELLEN Yeah. HUGO WEAVING No, that won't do at all. I think instead of exploring the currently established characters in more detail, we should simply add a bunch of new characters that don't particularly enhance the story. This larger group of boring characters will go to Mount Doom. A DWARF I'll go, because I am grizzled and brave, though my skill doesn't measure up completely to my confidence. AN ELF I will also go, even though I'm about as flat as someone with speaking lines in a movie can possibly be. Also, I look kind of like the oldest son from Malcom in the Middle. SEAN BEAN I am human, but I seem shady as hell. This shadiness adds a slight bit of dimension to my personality, but not much. HUGO WEAVING Excellent. Together, you will be known as.... The overbearing, cheesy music swells. HUGO WEAVING (CONT'D) The Fellowship of the Ring! AUDIENCE Uh, wait, this scene makes me feel like the movie is actually just starting. (laughing nervously) But that's just absurd, right? I've been sitting here for an hour. I mean, it can't actually just be getting going, right? Right? DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON I think it's best you leave now. Your eyes are unfit to view the marvel of Tolkien's masterpiece. INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING CAVERN THE FELLOWSHIP travels through a cavern. We watch them walk. Again. AUDIENCE Peter! Wake up, dammit! DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (eyes glazed over) So pretty... AUDIENCE PETER! Suddenly, the group is surrounded by enemies again. The enemies are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed again. ELIJAH WOOD Ahhh Jesus, this one hurts more than usual. I think it's really killing me. VIGGO MORTENSEN Ian, can't you heal him? IAN MCKELLEN No, see, I'm a level 5 wizard, you can't cast Resurrection or Heavy Heal until level 6. I need 4,523 more experience points. Oh, hey, this battle gave me 5,000! Hang on, let me increase my stats. (pause) Okay, done. He heals ELIJAH. ELIJAH WOOD Thanks, Ian. I was just thinking, it's really great having you around. You're the most entertaining character in this boring bucket of shit. IAN MCKELLEN Thanks, that means a lot. Want me to read you some fortune cookies and call it "advice"? IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a MONSTER. VIGGO MORTENSEN I guess that leaves me as the interesting one, huh? ELIJAH WOOD Actually, for someone who is essentially the focus of the last book, you come off as amazingly dull and transparent. I could quite easily not notice you at all. VIGGO MORTENSEN Hey, at least I wasn't in "The Faculty", you munchkin asshat. CATE BLANCHETT Hi everyone. I'm the other female in the movie. I'm exactly the same as Liv Tyler, except shots of me have had the edges softened even further. My cameo is equally useless, though, don't be fooled by the effects. EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around some more. Once again, monsters eventually attack. Once again, they are defeated. SEAN ASTIN Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! ELIJAH WOOD Hey! I didn't get stabbed this time. VIGGO MORTENSEN Then there is nothing more you can learn from us, you must go on your own to Mount Doom. You can go with Sean Astin if you want. ELIJAH WOOD Er, alright, but I really haven't done the slightest thing that indicates I'm ready to go out on my own. VIGGO MORTENSEN Yeah well, frankly I'm tired of watching after you and your cretin friends. Perhaps we will meet in a sequel. ELIJAH WOOD Alright. Farewell, my friends. Sean Astin, I'm glad to be going on this adventure with you. It makes me look smart. We are closer to Mount Doom, but we have a long way to go. AUDIENCE A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how much longer is this movie, I don't think I can sit through any more of watching people walk through New Zealand. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Actually, the movie's over. AUDIENCE What? Are you serious? They didn't even do anything. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON They walked around a lot. AUDIENCE I hate you. I hate you so much. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Tough shit, numbnuts. I didn't make this movie for you, I made it for the rabid fans of the books. RABID FANS It was good, but the books were better. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON curses at the sky, shaking his fists. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON NO!! IT WAS SO LOYAL TO THE BOOKS!! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?? RABID FANS Jesus man, have you read the books? DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Of course! Hundreds of times. RABID FANS Ever do it in one sitting? DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON No. RABID FANS Exactly. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON ... RABID FANS I look forward to picking apart the other two movies, though. Thanks for the good time. END [/quote]
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