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Author Christmas is coming.......
Gothik
cabalist

Joined: Aug 21, 2001
Posts: 61
From: London
Posted: 19-11-2002 13:30   
Hope this does not offend any die hard Lord of the rings fans..but brightened up a foggy tuesday..

Lord of the rings Abridged version


By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

INT. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON'S HOME

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON sits, on the phone with a
POWERFUL FILM EXECUTIVE.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
So, I was tossing this idea around.
Maybe I should make films out of
the Lord of the Rings tril--

RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
(breaking down the door)
LORD OF THE RINGS?!?!?! Finally! A
well-done, realistic, immersive
film version of the best trilogy of
overly long books ever!

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Well, I was just thinking abo--

RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
You know who would make an awesome
Gandalf? Ian McKellen!

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Uh, yeah, well, that's a good idea,
I gue-

RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
Oh, I can't wait! I'm going to
generate an ungodly amount of hype
for this movie for the next few
years! I'm sure you won't
disappoint us!

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON gulps nervously.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(twitching)
Wow, I feel a lot of pressure. How
can I possibly create a film as
good as any book in the wonderful
Lord of the Rings trilogy? What am
I going to do?

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON proceeds to sit down with the
trilogy and translate each page into screenplay format,
word by word.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (CONT'D)
Yes! I will make the most loyal
movie based on a book in the
history of the cinema! Nobody will
be able to say the book was better
then! Ha ha ha!

EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD

Various computer-generated creatures face off. A
NARRATOR explains the story from "The Hobbit" as a jaw
dropping battle ensues on-screen.

NARRATOR
So, this dude, Sauron, made a big
badass ring. He did some nasty
shit with it, and then he got
killed and this human took it.
Then he did nasty shit, too. The
ring made everyone an asshole and
then Ian Holm got it.

AUDIENCE
Wow! They just summarized the
entire first book in a matter of
minutes, doing so with the help of
an outstandingly impressive fight
sequence. If the rest of the movie
is like this, then this might just
be the greatest epic adventure film
ever created.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the
point, and interesting. The rest
of my movie is anything but that.
Did you go to the bathroom yet? You
probably should.

EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE

IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.

IAN MCKELLEN
I am old and sage! I bring a sense
of dignity and elegance to all that
I do, and I appear to be a master
of all things intellectual.

ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, the most impressive thing
you'll do is set off a bunch of
fireworks. Then you get your ass
kicked by a better wizard, fail to
get us through a door because
you're too stupid to solve an easy
riddle, and then die.

IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in
"North", you putrid piece of shit.

ELIJAH WOOD
Dammit.

IAN MCKELLEN
So anyway, where's Ian Holm? I
heard he's got the plot to this
movie in his pocket somewhere.

INT. IAN HOLM'S COMICALLY SMALL HOME

IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects.

IAN HOLM
There you are, you sage old wizard!

They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN'S PIPE.

IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
Ah, Ian, you truly have the finest
weed in Middle Earth.

IAN MCKELLEN
Heh. Both of our names are Ian.

IAN HOLM
Holy shit! You're right!

IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically.

IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
Dude! Every time I laugh, I think
it's my lung trying to escape a
little bit. Maybe that's what
laughing is. Lungs use humor to
trick us into letting them escape.
Whoa.

IAN MCKELLEN
Holy shit dude, you're so foded
up.

IAN HOLM
Oh, wanna see something cool? This
will totally trip you out.

IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible.

IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
(invisible)
Whoa, where'd I go? Where'd I go?
Ha ha!
(removing the ring)
Isn't that awesome?

IAN MCKELLEN
Ian! You stupid bastard! That's
the Ring of Power, forged centuries
ago by the evil Lord Sauron! It is
the key to the greatest power in
all the land! It is sought after
by the most wicked of evil forces
and as Sauron's spirit grows
stronger, he comes closer to
obtaining it and enslaving Middle
Earth!

IAN HOLM
Shit. High killer, dude. Not cool.

IAN MCKELLEN
Give me the ring. Then go away and
write your book. Elijah Wood and I
will destroy it.

IAN HOLM
Elijah Wood? Wasn't he that little
puke in "The Good Son"?

IAN MCKELLEN
That was Macaulay Culkin.

IAN HOLM
Wait, am I thinking of the wrong
person?

IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah was the snot-nosed little
twerp in the Flipper movie.

IAN HOLM
Oh, right, that foder.

IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah. I'm going to travel with him
to the treacherous volcano Mount
Doom. Once there, we will destroy
this evil thing once and for good.

IAN HOLM
The ring?

IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah. But I'll make him wear the
ring before I shove him in.

IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters.

ELIJAH WOOD
Heya Ian! I just came by to see--

IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah, you must take this ring.
It is the Ring of Power, forged by
the evil Lord Sauron long ago.
Travel to a far away land with your
cohorts. I will meet you there and
we will venture to Mount Doom to
destroy the ring. You must arrive
safely - the fate of Middle Earth
depends on your success.

ELIJAH WOOD
Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if
you wanted to play some Nintendo.

IAN MCKELLEN
There's no time, Elijah! I must go
find Christopher Lee and seek his
guidance. Good luck, the fate of
all life rests in your small, hairy
hands.

ELIJAH WOOD
I.. uh..

IAN MCKELLEN
(bolting out the door)
Don't fod up!

ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face
contorts to an expression of limitless fear.
His eyes widen and his mouth gapes slightly open with
shock and terror. This expression never leaves his face
again - ever.

SEAN ASTIN
Hey Elijah, me and these other two
interchangeable Hobbits want to go
with you on your quest.

ELIJAH WOOD
Are you sure? I will be faced with
much peril.

SEAN ASTIN
Jesus, look at this place. It's
nothing but grass and plants. I
ate a damn flower for breakfast
today. It looks really pretty if
you take it in small doses, but
living here is some kind of hell. I
need to get out of here, Elijah, my
parents are driving me nuts and
there is nothing to do.

ELIJAH WOOD
Alright, let's go! But only if you
act so moronically that you not
only nearly sabotage our mission
repeatedly, but also drastically
undermine the otherwise serious
tone of the film.

SEAN ASTIN
It's a deal. And by the way, if
you want to randomly start cheering
"Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!" don't let me
stop you.

ELIJAH WOOD
What?

INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE'S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT

CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat.

IAN MCKELLEN
It's good seeing you again,
Christopher Lee. I like what
you've done with your hair, how do
you keep it so tangle-free?

CHRISTOPHER LEE
Well, Ian, I condition when
showering, brush it straight while
still in the shower, and then
condition again. The secret is in
the second conditioning.

IAN MCKELLEN
Brilliant! See, this is why you're
obviously the better wizard.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
Actually, it's funny you should say
that, Ian. You see, I'm about to
beat the living snot out of you.

IAN MCKELLEN
Come again?

CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
Ha! I summon Gaea's Skyfolk, a 2/2
with flying.

IAN MCKELLEN
Hmm. Okay, I'm going to cast a
counterspell, which lets me also
draw a card. Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu!
I summon him.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can't do that, you can't summon
until your turn, it's still my
turn.

IAN MCKELLEN
No it's not! I just did the
counterspell!

CHRISTOPHER LEE
That was an instant! God, now I
remember why I hate playing with
you! fod this!

CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a
BRAND NEW ASSHOLE.

EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE

ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Isn't this great? Them walking
around in this world... this
completely different world...of New
Zealand..

AUDIENCE
Yeah, it's really pretty.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(bemused)
It is...

Minutes pass.

AUDIENCE
Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any
time soon?

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Huh? Oh, right, action. How about
some monsters?

Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get
close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to
become INVISIBLE.

ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! Bet you monsters didn't see
that coming! Holy shit, does
anyone have any 3D glasses, stuff
looks really neat with this ring
on.

ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway.

ELIJAH WOOD (CONT'D)
Gark!

VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH'S
ATTACKERS.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Elijah, are you all right? You
must survive! You are the only one
who can carry the ring! All others
would be tempted to wear it for
personal gain!

ELIJAH WOOD
Didn't I just put it on to save my
own ass?

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yes, but then you got stabbed
anyway. See, if any of us were
corrupted by the ring, we'd be
intelligent enough to use it for
our own advantage. Hobbits, on the
other hand, are bumbling morons.
Frankly I'm more concerned with you
dropping it or losing it than I am
with the thought that you might use
it for power.

ELIJAH WOOD
Oh. Well, I think I'm dying. Is
that bad?

VIGGO MORTENSEN
The only thing that can save you
now is an awkward cameo by Liv
Tyler.

LIV TYLER
I am one of the only females in the
film. I somehow manage to have
absolutely no depth at all. But I'm
pretty, which is what chicks are
supposed to be in this sort of
thing. Please notice how softened
my appearance is, because I am
female, you see.

She looks PRETTY.

ELIJAH WOOD
So, um, about me dying...

LIV TYLER
Oh, right. I will take you
backstage at an Aerosmith concert,
where your wounds shall be healed.

EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES

HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to
IAN MCKELLEN, who escaped somehow. Something about a
bird.

HUGO WEAVING
We must destroy the ring, Ian.

IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah, I was going to go to Mount
Doom with Elijah Wood and do that.

HUGO WEAVING
Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from
"Deep Impact"?

IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.

HUGO WEAVING
No, that won't do at all. I think
instead of exploring the currently
established characters in more
detail, we should simply add a
bunch of new characters that don't
particularly enhance the story.
This larger group of boring
characters will go to Mount Doom.

A DWARF
I'll go, because I am grizzled and
brave, though my skill doesn't
measure up completely to my
confidence.

AN ELF
I will also go, even though I'm
about as flat as someone with
speaking lines in a movie can
possibly be. Also, I look kind of
like the oldest son from Malcom in
the Middle.

SEAN BEAN
I am human, but I seem shady as
hell. This shadiness adds a slight
bit of dimension to my personality,
but not much.

HUGO WEAVING
Excellent. Together, you will be
known as....

The overbearing, cheesy music swells.

HUGO WEAVING (CONT'D)
The Fellowship of the Ring!

AUDIENCE
Uh, wait, this scene makes me feel
like the movie is actually just
starting.
(laughing nervously)
But that's just absurd, right?
I've been sitting here for an hour.
I mean, it can't actually just be
getting going, right? Right?

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
I think it's best you leave now.
Your eyes are unfit to view the
marvel of Tolkien's masterpiece.

INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING CAVERN

THE FELLOWSHIP travels through a cavern. We watch them
walk. Again.

AUDIENCE
Peter! Wake up, dammit!

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(eyes glazed over)
So pretty...

AUDIENCE
PETER!

Suddenly, the group is surrounded by enemies again. The
enemies are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed again.

ELIJAH WOOD
Ahhh Jesus, this one hurts more
than usual. I think it's really
killing me.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Ian, can't you heal him?

IAN MCKELLEN
No, see, I'm a level 5 wizard, you
can't cast Resurrection or Heavy
Heal until level 6. I need 4,523
more experience points. Oh, hey,
this battle gave me 5,000! Hang
on, let me increase my stats.
(pause)
Okay, done.

He heals ELIJAH.

ELIJAH WOOD
Thanks, Ian. I was just thinking,
it's really great having you
around. You're the most
entertaining character in this
boring bucket of shit.

IAN MCKELLEN
Thanks, that means a lot. Want me
to read you some fortune cookies
and call it "advice"?

IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a MONSTER.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
I guess that leaves me as the
interesting one, huh?

ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, for someone who is
essentially the focus of the last
book, you come off as amazingly
dull and transparent. I could
quite easily not notice you at all.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Hey, at least I wasn't in "The
Faculty", you munchkin asshat.

CATE BLANCHETT
Hi everyone. I'm the other female
in the movie. I'm exactly the same
as Liv Tyler, except shots of me
have had the edges softened even
further. My cameo is equally
useless, though, don't be fooled by
the effects.

EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE

The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around
some more. Once again, monsters eventually attack.
Once again, they are defeated.

SEAN ASTIN
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

ELIJAH WOOD
Hey! I didn't get stabbed this
time.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Then there is nothing more you can
learn from us, you must go on your
own to Mount Doom. You can go with
Sean Astin if you want.

ELIJAH WOOD
Er, alright, but I really haven't
done the slightest thing that
indicates I'm ready to go out on my
own.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yeah well, frankly I'm tired of
watching after you and your cretin
friends. Perhaps we will meet in a
sequel.

ELIJAH WOOD
Alright. Farewell, my friends.
Sean Astin, I'm glad to be going on
this adventure with you. It makes
me look smart. We are closer to
Mount Doom, but we have a long way
to go.

AUDIENCE
A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how
much longer is this movie, I don't
think I can sit through any more of
watching people walk through New
Zealand.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Actually, the movie's over.

AUDIENCE
What? Are you serious? They
didn't even do anything.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
They walked around a lot.

AUDIENCE
I hate you. I hate you so much.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Tough shit, numbnuts. I didn't
make this movie for you, I made it
for the rabid fans of the books.

RABID FANS
It was good, but the books were
better.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON curses at the sky, shaking his
fists.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
NO!! IT WAS SO LOYAL TO THE BOOKS!!
WHERE DID I GO WRONG??

RABID FANS
Jesus man, have you read the books?

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Of course! Hundreds of times.

RABID FANS
Ever do it in one sitting?

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
No.

RABID FANS
Exactly.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
...

RABID FANS
I look forward to picking apart the
other two movies, though. Thanks
for the good time.

END


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Lightaura
novice

Joined: Nov 04, 2002
Posts: 6
From: United States.. Charleston, S.C.
Posted: 30-11-2002 04:50   
Could someone send me a ticket to london? Its a long way from here.

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Fisheyes
cabalist

Joined: Oct 27, 2001
Posts: 49
Posted: 30-11-2002 11:32   
If only. like the sun btw



[ This Message was edited by: Fisheyes on 30-11-2002 11:33 ]


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Fisheyes
cabalist

Joined: Oct 27, 2001
Posts: 49
Posted: 30-11-2002 11:35   
does anyone else think we need some christmassy smilies?

and

whos going to this mudmeet?



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Werewolf
protector

Joined: Sep 01, 2001
Posts: 13
Posted: 30-11-2002 12:32   
Quote:

On 30-11-2002 11:35, Fisheyes wrote:
does anyone else think we need some christmassy smilies?





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Theman
cleric

Joined: Aug 31, 2001
Posts: 167
From: My chair
Posted: 15-12-2002 20:52   
I would go to this Mudmeet but sadly I'd rather eat my own limbs than be forced to sit through another LOTR movie...

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Fisheyes
cabalist

Joined: Oct 27, 2001
Posts: 49
Posted: 15-12-2002 21:21   
I've not seen ANYONE say that they want to go to see the film so I presume its the pub all round?

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Hawumph
Arch-Wizard



Joined: Jan 23, 2002
Posts: 360
From: Somewhere you don't want to go!
Posted: 16-12-2002 16:35   
Its true - there has been just one taker for the film. SO - pub it is - so you can come, Theman! No need for limb eating or any self mutilation.



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Huff
cabalist

Joined: Sep 17, 2001
Posts: 58
From: London
Posted: 17-12-2002 17:20   
Quote:

On 15-12-2002 20:52, Theman wrote:
I would go to this Mudmeet but sadly I'd rather eat my own limbs than be forced to sit through another LOTR movie...


Your playing with fire my friend.....
LOTR - Don't diss it!

hmm a new slogan










or not


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Miath
pilgrim

Joined: Aug 13, 2002
Posts: 16
From: A wee place between Pompey and Guildford
Posted: 21-12-2002 17:10   
Can I get a list of anyone who is going to this meet, IF anyone is going to this meet... i was THINKING about possibly showing my face...
But if its just be and Hawumph i might start to break down into a fit of worry.


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Fisheyes
cabalist

Joined: Oct 27, 2001
Posts: 49
Posted: 26-12-2002 15:47   
I might pop over. Im in the area that weekend.

How is everyones xmas going?



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Foddy
Arch-Wizard



Joined: Aug 19, 2001
Posts: 138
Posted: 27-12-2002 20:05   
Quote:

On 21-12-2002 17:10, Miath wrote:
Can I get a list of anyone who is going to this meet, IF anyone is going to this meet... i was THINKING about possibly showing my face...
But if its just be and Hawumph i might start to break down into a fit of worry.


I'll be there, Miath!


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Kurupt
friar

Joined: Sep 30, 2001
Posts: 71
Posted: 30-12-2002 00:40   
Lord Of The Ringpiece.

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Kurupt
friar

Joined: Sep 30, 2001
Posts: 71
Posted: 30-12-2002 00:41   
now htats real comedy ya'll...

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